Thanksgiving is a thing of the past and Chanukah and Christmas are fast approaching which means more interaction with family, friends, co-workers  and strangers at parties or at the mall when we're stressed. Too many things to do and not enough time. Too many "obligations" and not enough courage to say "no." Too many expenses and not enough income. Too many old jealousies and not enough forgiveness.  With stress comes the opportunity for miscommunication and the possibility of creating unhappy memories instead of happy ones.

During previous holidays have you ever had a disagreement with a family member, friend, co-worker or complete stranger and gotten frustrated because the other person just didn’t “get” what you were trying to say? I know I sure have. I’ve found that certain words shut down communication while others are keys to open communication and words seem to be more powerful during the holiday season.

Here are some words that I've noticed shut down communication and keep holidays from being joyous.

You’re wrong…

I never said that…

You should…

You must…

You always…

Can’t you…

Shut up…

I've also noticed that when I start sentences with these words it’s as if I'm holding up a big red stop light because all positive communication stops and a game of “he said, she said” starts and never really ends. I must admit, in the past, I sometimes was trying to prove I'm “right” which means I made the other party “wrong.”  Nobody really likes to be wrong, especially during a social occasion. Duh! It was as if I started the conversation with a closed mind and nothing the other person said was going to change my mind.

At the close of our conversation, neither of us was really satisfied with the results of our interaction and we had to find a way to release the anger that was generated as a bi-product of the closed communication. In my case, that release took the form of anxiety. Other people released their anger through physical or emotional abuse, illness, depression, over-eating, drinking too much alcohol or other addictions.  These release methods just make a bad situation worse and lead to more serious problems.

Because I'm aware of my old behavior pattern and how it made me feel, I consciously remind myself to use open phrases especially at family gatherings, company events or holiday gatherings with friends. The phrases I use are statements about how I feel or what I want. Nobody can tell me that I don’t want or need something because they are not me. They have not had my life experiences nor seen an event from the exact same point of reference as I did. We all filter our interpretations of an event through your own frames of reference.

I've noticed that, when I start sentences with “I” or “Would,” I give the green light to continuing the conversation. These two powerful words indicate that I'm just giving or asking for information. This takes the emotion out of the statement and allows the other party to stay neutral rather than to jump into a defensive mode. To help you keep your holidays happy, here are the opening phrases which enable me to say exactly what is real for me without making the other person "wrong." They might be useful for you, too.

I’ve noticed…

Is it OK with you…

Are you willing…

I have a need to…

I want…

I need…

I’d appreciate…

I’d prefer…

Would you please…

I’m curious…

Would you consider…

Especially during the holidays when we're tired and stressed, it's important to choose our words carefully because they will either bring us closer to another or push them away. If you notice you used a “red light” word and didn’t mean to, an “I’m sorry” goes a very long way any time of the year.