A few days ago, a friend asked me how much I’d charge to be on retainer for her so she could have access to me via email any time during the month when she needs advice, a sounding board or a cheerleader. To determine my retainer fee, I calculated the value of my time and services. I'm very glad I did that exercise because it helped me to "value" myself and to see how I sabotage myself and how my good intentions may sabotage others.

I use my time, talent and resources to do a lot of free coaching for people and organizations and then I get a bit resentful when I'm not thanked for my services. My goal is to help others have more joy in  their life, decrease conflict, increase feelings of self worth and ultimately improve the quality of life on the planet. I'm results oriented and very good at what I do, but I was my own "dream stealer." I inadvertently sabotaged myself.  I often had a conflict between wanting to be a humanitarian (and save the world) and wanting to be a successful business person (and make money by producing results that enable me to pay my bills). I gave away hours of my time without having anything to show for it. Not even a thank you. By putting a dollar value on my time and resources, I now know that it's possible to be both a humanitarian and have a profitable business so I will no longer sabotage my own success. 

Now I realize my first responsibility has to be to receive  money for my services so that I can take care of my own wants/needs and then I can invest/donate my time and effort in helping others. I also have to make sure the people who I offer to help see enough value in what I offer to take action based upon my recommendations, otherwise I'm wasting my time and effort. That means I've spent my limited resources, my time, doing something that does not add value to my own life. Up until today  I had my priorities backwards. I put others needs before my own and then wondered why I felt "empty" and under appreciated. I sabotaged my own dreams for happiness.

I'm now committed  to offer help, when asked, only if I have the time and resources to do it. Just because I have the skills and abilities to help someone doesn't mean that I'm obligated to do so nor does it mean that I'm  to do it without receiving anything in exchange for my energy/effort. That's a very challenging concept for the "spiritual" part of me who has a bit of a martyr complex.  In addition, I'm now going to require the people who ask for my help to either pay me for my services or (if they are "financially challenged" at the time) to do something else to show they value what I do. They can show they see value by helping me with a project or cooking a meal or washing my car or doing something else that involves using their time and skills in exchange for my using my time and skills.  If the person who asks for help has to give or do something in return, he or she is more likely to actually take some positive action based upon the information I provide. If it doesn't cost them something, the coaching is no value to them so it's easy to dismiss the recommendations. If they've invested something of themselves into the process, they are more likely to actually use the information.

I really don't do anybody a favor by taking the learning opportunity away from them by giving my services away for free. I can shorten the learning curve for them; but it's when they are committed to changing a situation and take action accordingly that learning really occurs. Paying for my services directly and indirectly helps that the person gain self-confidence and self-worth. Just because somebody doesn't  have money doesn't mean they are poor. They are so much more than the amount of money in their wallet and by my willingness to receive whatever they feel capable of giving, I'm affirming their abundance and value.

Starting today, I'm committed to no longer being a dream stealer for others nor to self-sabotage my own financial well being. I'm going to do what it takes to achieve my goals and to assist others in the achievement of theirs. The difference is that, starting now, I'm going to wait to be asked for help rather than offering valuable, but unsolicited, advice in the delusional  belief that I'm "saving the world." In addition, if somebody is financially challenged, I’m going to ask what s/he is willing to do in exchange for the help before I provide the assistance. It's equivalent to "qualifying the sale" in business and it affirms their worth.  That way it'll be a win/win situation for everybody and we all will have the opportunity to manifest our dreams.